


we're the heroes of our time (dancing with the demons in our minds)

by fleurting



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bechdel Test Pass, Bonding, Female Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 05:38:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11284806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurting/pseuds/fleurting
Summary: Natasha occasionally finds herself going back to S.H.I.E.L.D. in the middle of the night.





	we're the heroes of our time (dancing with the demons in our minds)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flipflop_diva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/gifts).



> Title paraphrased from _Heroes_ by Måns Zelmerlöw.

Stark had built a gym in the tower, one with any equipment she could ever possibly need, but Natasha still found herself occasionally using S.H.I.E.L.D.’s in the middle of the night, when her mind refused to settle and let sleep consume her. Though the S.H.I.E.L.D. facilities lacked the convenience of Stark’s, it had other things to offer. She most commonly found herself wanting to train when the others were asleep. She didn't sleep very much herself, not trusting what her mind would show her when she closed her eyes. But there was always an overeager junior agent willing to get their asses handed to them at S.H.I.E.L.D. 

She wasn't in the mood for sparring tonight though so she bypassed the gym used by the lesser agents and made her way towards the one only known of and used by a select few higher operatives. The door opened with a click once she’d scanned her keycard, alerting any other in the room of her presence. There was only one person in the room, Hill, who nodded at her once as she came in but then turned her attention back to the screen in front of her treadmill. 

Natasha nodded back at her before continuing towards the boxing station. She suited up quickly, then got to work. She punched the heavy bag with all of her strength, wincing as it caused a previous injury to twinge. This was what she needed. She started punching even harder, faster. 

“Romanov? Romanov?” 

Natasha came back to reality, pulled from the zone she was in. She glanced at the clock on the wall; it read 3:45 A.M. She must have been punching for half an hour at least but it felt like she only started seconds ago. 

“What?” She asked, breath heavy.

Hill raised an eyebrow and look down at Natasha’s hand. 

“You're bleeding,” she said. Natasha looked at the part of her wrist not covered by gloves and sure enough, blood was trickling down her arm. She cursed in her native tongue. 

“Come on,” Hill said. “Follow me.” 

Natasha followed her as Hill lead her through a locked door into what was essentially a break room. The room was all white, with bright lights, and contained a fridge Natasha knew was filled with water and fruit as well as cabinets filled with items such as protein bars. Hill leaned down to one of the lower cabinets, gesturing for Natasha to sit down at the table in the center of the room. Natasha remove her gloves as Hill walked over to the table, first aid kit in hand. Hill opened the kit, taking out a cleaning solution, wipes, and bandage. She took Natasha’s hand, gentler than Natasha would have expected her to, and began cleansing her reopened wound. She said nothing as she cleaned and rewrapped Natasha’s hand and Natasha didn't feel the need to converse either. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Hill finally spoke as she moved to throw away the used supplies. 

“No,” Natasha said immediately. She never wanted to talk about it. She never wanted to talk about anything. That was probably part of the problem. That was one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. issued psychologists would say. 

Clint could get her to open up sometimes, and Stark and Rogers and even Banner attempted to in their own ways. But she felt they were annoyed with her when she refused to open up to them. Hill didn't push her further or ask if she was sure, just grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge and offered her one. She took it with a soft thanks. 

Hill sat back down beside her and sipped her water. 

Natasha wasn't uncomfortable with silences, she was never uncomfortable, that was part of her skill set. That didn't mean she liked them. But the silence between her and Hill was companionable in a way that she experienced with few others. 

Natasha sighed. “I don't know what it was. Science, or technology, magic. It got it my head,” she said, playing with the label wrapped around her water. “It made me see things. Made me do things.” 

Hill made a noncommittal noise. 

“I see it every time I close my eyes,” she admitted. 

“Hmm. You know I used to be terrified of horror movies when I was younger?” 

Natasha looked up, confused by the random admission. “Really?” She asked, skeptical. 

“Really,” Maria nodded. “Now I watch them and...it's almost funny. Nothing they think up is anything close to the things we’ve seen.” 

“Or done.” 

“Yeah,” Maria sighed. “I have trouble sleeping too,” she said, looking at Natasha directly. “Sometimes I just stay awake wondering. How do I know that I’m a good person? Do the bad things cancel out the good? Am I…” she trailed off. 

“Am I any better than the worst thing I’ve ever done?” Natasha said quietly.

“Exactly.” 

“How are we supposed to judge that?”

Maria let out a deep breath. “I don't know. Used to be I would've said a higher power was the one judging us but after everything I've seen...I don't know if I believe in anything anymore.” 

Natasha hummed in agreement. 

“Tell you what though, if there is a God though, I don't think it's a woman.” 

“Why is that?” Natasha asked. 

“I just can't imagine a woman forcing us to endure this much suffering.” 

As Natasha mulled that over, the strain of boxing while her injuries were still not properly healed started to take a toll on her. She suddenly felt exhausted, every bone in her body seemed to ache. She put her hands on the table, heaving herself up. Maria asked her if she needed help but Natasha waved her off. 

“Hey, Hill,” Natasha said, pausing at the chair where Hill was sitting. “Thanks.”

Maria smiled up at her. “Anytime.” 

Natasha nodded her thanks at her and began walking toward the exit. 

“Hey, Romanov,” Maria called. 

Natasha turned around. “Yeah?” 

“Take care of yourself.” 

Natasha smiled, replied, “Always do.” It was a lie, of course, but at least she had another person who would be by her side if she didn't.


End file.
